I’ve been doing a ton of self discovery work lately. I’ve learned more about myself during this time than I have in my entire life. I’ve always had an interest in human behavior and how the brain works. Only recently have I made the connection between my own experiences and behaviors. I did this personality test for fun and ended up learning some interesting stuff. I am thankful for this level of self awareness.
There are parts of me that I have suppressed for many years. Some deep digging into dark territory must be done. I don’t like talking about it and there is resistance. But to begin healing, I have to. This year I will open up this door.
Depression has been that annoying friend that just won’t go away for most of my life. The cause was the bullying I received in school in the beginning. I can thank my glasses and early developing breasts for that. Teasing does something to a kid. But I always made it through. I had an amazing mother and a great group of friends.
My mom died when I was 14. Some say I died with her. I’m still picking up the pieces. This year marks 13 years she’s been gone. Her death was related to the heart. I read her death certificate a few weeks ago. I have a deep fear of abandonment now.
Her heart was the best thing about her. We were the same person. I can’t begin to describe the tenderness of our relationship. Sometimes I look through old birthday cards to see her handwriting. She was the best friend I’ve ever had.
It’s strange, but I don’t think I ever loved my father. Growing up I never felt comfortable around him. He was abusive as hell. All of the types you can imagine (Google is your friend). And now sometimes I take out shit on my partner. Things he’s not responsible for. And that’s not fair. Daddy issues I guess. My dad took advantage of me financially after my mother’s death. He was, and continues to be a bad person.
We don’t speak at all now. It’s been over four years. I used to feel like he ruined me. It seems he took away my happiness like it’s something tangible to be taken away. He just plucked it from my being. My dad treated me horribly my entire life and I don’t know what to do about it now, except talk about it.
Maybe this is the first step in healing, talking about it. Before the year is over I would like to start therapy and have a professional work through this with me. I deserve joy and I will fight for it.